the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
So apparently I’m into choking now
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
