I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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