So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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