I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
