he shaved USA in his pubs
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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