The maid of honor just puked.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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