Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
