Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I want her autograph on my taint
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
