Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
These 21 Declassified Government Horrors Are Unimaginable
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?