i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!