I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
