Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
