i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
