Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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