I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
