I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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