If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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