If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
