Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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