I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
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Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
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After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
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