I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
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there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
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The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.