Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part