you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
