He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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