dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
