you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
