Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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