I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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