We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
