I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
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