My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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