you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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