the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
