I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
