Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
