seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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