i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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