He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
