I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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