All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
