Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
