the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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