One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
