Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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