If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
two words...techno handjob
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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