I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
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He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
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If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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