How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
