Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
