Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
