so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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