I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
How's work?
Spinning.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
