life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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