this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
