i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
