i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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