Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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