I want to make a zoo with you.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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