Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
