I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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