I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
