I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
