Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
How external is "for external use only"?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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