dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
