A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
