Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
