Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
