pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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