theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
His nipple licking is glorious
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