I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
